Simple, deep wisdom for dialoguing with parts
When interacting with anyone (including a shadow part of yourself), this Rumi quote offers important guidance:
The rule that covers everything is: how you are with others, expect that back.
What does this mean? If you're judgmental, mean or nasty with anyone (including any part of you), you should expect that kind of behavior back. To be more precise, the way people treat you is a reflection of some shadow part of you that's treating them (and you) in the same way.
Let's look at an example of what can happen if we don't keep Rumi's rule in mind.
An Inner Dialogue That Goes South
In this example, let's say you want to dialogue with a part of you that you call your "inner critic" so you can get to know it better:
You: I want to know why you're on my case all the time. I'm sick and tired of it.
Inner critic: You're such an idiot. No wonder I have to beat you up all the time. You never listen to me. That's why I beat you up. I have to do that to get your attention.
You: I don't like the mean way you're talking to me
Inner critic: I don't exactly love how you're talking to me either.
Anytime you're communicating with a part of you and you find it reacting in unsupportive ways (e.g., yelling at you, putting you down, threatening you, etc.), it's important to remember Rumi's rule. This part of you is saying nasty, mean things not because it's bad, nasty, unspiritual, mean, evil, negative, wounded or dysfunctional, but because an unseen part of you is being nasty and mean to it.
Getting Separate from Parts
If you find yourself speaking in a mean, nasty or critical way to anyone, it's important to "get separate" from the part of you that's speaking this way. Parts that are critical, angry or upset are essential; the information they carry needs to inform what we say. But when emotionally-charged parts of us "take us over," hijacking our awareness with intense emotions and needs, we can't interact with ourselves or others in a co-supportive way.
When we notice that we're speaking in a mean, angry, or fault-finding way with others, we need to shift into mindfulness, a calm, detached, open-minded, clear seeing state with a relaxed agenda. When we're in mindfulness, we can listen to an angry, critical part of us without being taken over by it.
Let's now review a more skillful version of parts dialogue in which you take time to shift into a mindful state before talking.
An Inner Dialogue That Goes True North
Let's imagine that as you start to speak to your inner critic, you notice a voice inside of you saying, "I want to know why you're on my case all the time. I'm sick and tired of it and it's got to stop" You remember Rumi's "rule that covers everything", which suggests that if you say mean things like this to your inner critic, you're only going to get mean things back. With this in mind, you decide to try some state-shifting practices to get separate from this part and shift into mindfulness:
First, you name the angry voice you just heard ("I'm sick and tired of you, inner critic; this has got to stop.) as a separate part of you and give it a name: the "feeling attacked part." (Naming parts is a practice for getting separate from them and shifting into mindfulness.)
Next, you imagine yourself backing a few steps away from the "sick of being attacked" part (another practice for shifting into mindfulness) and feel more calm, detached and spacious as you do.
Finally, you decide you want to say something supportive to the "feeling attacked" part (another practice for getting separate from parts).
You (to the "feeling attacked" part): I'm sorry you feel so attacked by that critical part of me. I don't want that for you. That's why I want to get to know this part that's criticizing me better, so I'm going to turn to that part of me now.
Feeling attacked part: Good. That's kind of a relief actually. (Your whole body relaxes at this point and you take a deep breath.)
You (to the "inner critic" part): So I'm curious why you're so upset at me.
Critic: You are?! I don't quite believe you. You seem to hate me.
You: I know I've attacked you at times and spoken critically, but that's because I was taken over by the part of me that felt attacked by you--the part I was just speaking to. I'm sorry I spoke to you that way. I didn't know how to get separate from that part of me until now. (You notice that your body takes a breath as you say this.)
Critic: Wow, this feels a lot better....the way we're talking now, I mean. (another breath)
You: It does, doesn't it? (pause) So I know you must have a good reason for being upset with me, and I'd really like to more about what you're thinking and feeling.
Critic: Wow, I'm still not quite used to this. I don't quite trust that you really want to listen to me, but I really appreciate the effort you're making.
You: Thank you. I also appreciate how honestly and calmly you're speaking to me, and I hope to do better at getting to know you and learning from you in the future.
This small bit of inner dialogue is a perfect example of "the rule that covers everything" in action: when we take the time to anchor in a calm, open-minded state, what comes back to us is calm, mindful dialogue. I've seen this play out hundreds, if not thousands of times in inner and outer interactions.
One note: It's common parts to express mistrust to us at first when we address them more co-supportive ways. Don't let this discourage you; it's only natural for parts of us to be wary of us at first if we've been judging them and pushing them away for a long time.
Jung's Version of Rumi's "Rule"
The visionary psychologist C.G. Jung confirmed Rumi's "rule" as you'll see by comparing the two quotes below:
Rumi: The rule that covers everything is: How you are with others, expect that back.
Jung: The face of the unconscious is not rigid--it reflects the face we turn towards it. Hostility lends it a threatening aspect; friendliness softens its features. (Collected Works, Vol. 12, Psychology and Alchemy, par. 29)
Jung is saying that if you speak in a hostile way to an unconscious part of you, it's going to respond with hostility (as we saw in the first parts dialogue we reviewed.) And if you're genuinely friendly to an unconscious part of you, it will treat you in a softer, more friendly way.
An Exercise to Try
Try getting separate from emotionally-charged parts of you before speaking to anyone. You can start trying the steps the "true north" example illustrates above a) Give the part that's taking you over a name , b) Imagine yourself stepping a few feet back from this part of you. c) Say something honest and supportive to this part of you.
Feel free to leave your experiences, questions and comments in the comments box below!
留言